2177 Shares

Does this sound like a good story?

Does this sound like a good story? Topic: How to write a phone ringing sounds
June 16, 2019 / By Deforrest
Question: this is my story excerpt! Pleaz read! WHen i got to Mia's house i let her out. suddenly my phone wrings. It was mia's house. She hasn't even made it to the door. "Hello?'' i said confused. "Hey Lizzy, um this is Jared." "Hi." "Hey i was wondering if you could come down to North Shore Beach." "Yeah i guess. What do you need?" "I just need to talk to you." "Okay i'll be there in 5." and i shut my phone. what did he want i thought as i started to pull out. When i got to the beach i saw jared in his usual sopt underneath a palm tree looking out at the ocean. I slowley walked up to him. Not sure what to say. He's like a big brother so this was really wierd. He is always telling me who he thinks i should hang out with or go out with. "Hey" i said shyly. "Hey," he said and stood up."Umm.. the reason i asked you here is because there's something going on with Aaron." "what? is okay? what happened?" "nothing. Um...how do i say this? I am not saying this to you because i want to hurt you but because your my siter's best friend and any drama always gets to me. It's painfull." "thanks for your sympathy. What is? I just got off work and i have a date with Aaron tonight." "Umm.. i saw Aaron kissing Cara." "Yeah that's funny. no really what did you want to tell me?" "that's it. I'm not kidding. They were at a lakers game yesterday." "Well, tonight i will ask him. are you sure?" I've known Jared along time, he doesn't usually tell me stuff like this. He usually lets me find out the hard way. He's always been a thorn in my side. that's part of it! tell me what you think!
Best Answer

Best Answers: Does this sound like a good story?

Baruch Baruch | 5 days ago
Okay--- i just wrote the changes in for u 2 compare: WHen i got to Mia's house i let her out (who is Mia??). suddenly my phone rings. It was mia's house. She hasn't even made it to the door. (this line doesn't make sense) "Hello?'' i asked confused. "Is this Lizzy?" "Ya." i answered, still confused. "um this is Jared." "Right, why did you call?" "i was wondering if you would come down to North Shore Beach." My suspicious nature grew, i had no idea what he was on about, but i was curious, so i said, "Yeah i guess. Why?" "I just need to talk to you." "Okay, when do you want to meet? "Right now?" "Sure, i'll be there in 5." then i shut my phone off and grabbed my jacket and headed out the door. When i got to the beach i saw jared in his usual spot underneath the palm tree looking out at the ocean. (what usual spot?) I slowley walked over to him. Not sure what to say. He's like a big brother so this was really wierd. He is always telling me who he thinks i should hang out with or go out with. "Hey" i said shyly. "Hey," he said and stood up."Umm.. the reason i asked you here is because there's something going on with Aaron." "what? is okay? what happened?" "nothing. Um...how do i say this? I am not saying this to you because i want to hurt you but because your my siser's best friend and any drama always gets to me. It's painfull." "thanks for your sympathy. What is? I just got off work and i have a date with Aaron tonight." "Umm.. i saw Aaron kissing Cara." "Yeah that's funny. no really what did you want to tell me?" "that's it. I'm not kidding. They were at a lakers game yesterday." "Well, tonight i will ask him. are you sure?" I've known Jared along time, he doesn't usually tell me stuff like this. He usually lets me find out the hard way. He's always been a thorn in my side. its pretty good, actully. a bit confusing b/c i don't know the characters. and you kind of sprung jarad as being bortherly, maybe you should introduced that sooner. do they always meet at the beach? who is Mia. you also need to deveelope your characters more. i don't have an image of their faces in my mind. if you want to talk furthur, go to my proflie and email me. good luck!
👍 238 | 👎 5
Did you like the answer? Does this sound like a good story? Share with your friends

We found more questions related to the topic: How to write a phone ringing sounds


Baruch Originally Answered: Does this sound like a good story?
Okay--- i just wrote the changes in for u 2 compare: WHen i got to Mia's house i let her out (who is Mia??). suddenly my phone rings. It was mia's house. She hasn't even made it to the door. (this line doesn't make sense) "Hello?'' i asked confused. "Is this Lizzy?" "Ya." i answered, still confused. "um this is Jared." "Right, why did you call?" "i was wondering if you would come down to North Shore Beach." My suspicious nature grew, i had no idea what he was on about, but i was curious, so i said, "Yeah i guess. Why?" "I just need to talk to you." "Okay, when do you want to meet? "Right now?" "Sure, i'll be there in 5." then i shut my phone off and grabbed my jacket and headed out the door. When i got to the beach i saw jared in his usual spot underneath the palm tree looking out at the ocean. (what usual spot?) I slowley walked over to him. Not sure what to say. He's like a big brother so this was really wierd. He is always telling me who he thinks i should hang out with or go out with. "Hey" i said shyly. "Hey," he said and stood up."Umm.. the reason i asked you here is because there's something going on with Aaron." "what? is okay? what happened?" "nothing. Um...how do i say this? I am not saying this to you because i want to hurt you but because your my siser's best friend and any drama always gets to me. It's painfull." "thanks for your sympathy. What is? I just got off work and i have a date with Aaron tonight." "Umm.. i saw Aaron kissing Cara." "Yeah that's funny. no really what did you want to tell me?" "that's it. I'm not kidding. They were at a lakers game yesterday." "Well, tonight i will ask him. are you sure?" I've known Jared along time, he doesn't usually tell me stuff like this. He usually lets me find out the hard way. He's always been a thorn in my side. its pretty good, actully. a bit confusing b/c i don't know the characters. and you kind of sprung jarad as being bortherly, maybe you should introduced that sooner. do they always meet at the beach? who is Mia. you also need to deveelope your characters more. i don't have an image of their faces in my mind. if you want to talk furthur, go to my proflie and email me. good luck!

Zella Zella
Hmmmmmmmmmmm.... I'm going to be completely honest and say that it has some flaws. It sounds a little cliche, it has a lot of grammatical errors and tense errors, etc... HOWEVER. It still has potential. Don't let this discourage you, and don't give up on writing. The more you write, the better you get. We all had to start somewhere. So go finish this story, and revise, revise, revise. Other than that, there is not much else I can say.
👍 100 | 👎 3

Shelley Shelley
I love it x3 it sound like it will be filled with drama and those are the BEST books.lol. but i have some ideas, maybe later in the book she should realize that maybe the reason hes cheating on her is because she not good enough so she can deside to go anerexic or balimic something along thouse lines, or aaron could get Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or something really intresting. post traumatic stress disorder is were people usually who surved in a war. [this idea really depons on how old aarron is] if you want to no more of this disorder go to: http://serendip.brynmawr.edu/exchange/node/2500
👍 96 | 👎 1

Peace Peace
I like it. It has some grammatical errors but it sounds like it could be made into an interesting story. Keep working on it!
👍 92 | 👎 -1

Peace Originally Answered: Does the beginning bit of my story sound good :)?
I DO like it... But it is extremely like the Princess Diaries by Meg Cabot. I love those books but...this is just TOO similiar... Unless you do something to REALLY seperate it from PD then...well, it's going nowhere

If you have your own answer to the question how to write a phone ringing sounds, then you can write your own version, using the form below for an extended answer.