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Read this short story and tell me what you think, only looking for honest answers regardless of good or bad?

Read this short story and tell me what you think, only looking for honest answers regardless of good or bad? Topic: Good first sentence of a conclusion
June 16, 2019 / By Carey
Question: Read this short story and tell me what you think, only looking for honest answers regardless of good or bad? Run way model The atmosphere in the changing room was electric, though somewhat hectic and chaotic. But I felt somewhat at home in this fast pacing room. Models shouting “hurry I am next” or “who took my platforms”. There were even two models who were fighting over who was to wear the new Louise vuitton pink diamond dress. For the first time in my life I felt part of something great and was enjoying taking it all in. until that stupid good for nothing hairdresser Margo came over to me and start pulling my hair telling me she had to fix it up. As much as I wanted to slap her I had to remain composed I did not need to start off on a bad note. After all I could tell that this was the start of something big for me. I could almost taste the success that was to come my way. It all started three weeks ago for me I was looking through the vogue magazine I had just bought on the way home to my apartment, when I spotted it. A competition to take part as a run-model in the next big show, which was promoting the latest clothing line from Louise vuitton. I filled it out instantly and sent it by post, if I got this it could completely change my life, I had thought to myself. Two weeks later I was called in to do an interview for it. I was in the waiting room with thirty other girls all glaring at one another and trying to suss out the competition. I took no part in this stupid game, besides I had nothing to fear after all who could resist my charms once I walk into that room with the judging panel they won’t know what hit them! When my name was called out to go into the judging panel all eyes were on me as I stood up. If looks could kill I would be only dust and ash by now. I walked proudly regardless of the looks I was getting, into the room where three judges were seated two women and one man. As soon as I sat down the interrogation begun. They were throwing questions at me from all sides of the room. And then they said “you do realize that this is going to be a lot harder than it looks”? “Oh, I know and that is why I am determined to put my best into this, no matter what”. They seemed pleased with the answer as they looked at one another and grind. Sure how hard could it be after all, it was only walking down the cat walk and changing you outfit a few times. If anything the interview was probably the hardest part. They finished by saying they would be in touch with me soon. Yes, yes I couldn’t help but say to myself as I walked out of the room. True to their word they were I got a call the next morning to say I was one of two girls who had been chosen. I was like a mad woman once I hung up the phone jumping around from settee to settee in my apartment. I was just so excited. Before I knew it I was up next. Oh yes, this was my moment to dazzle everyone with my presence and walk. “Move outta the way Naomi Campbell and Kate moss, ms Eliza Heppner is on her way”. I couldn’t help but think this in my head. This was my only chance to show people what I was made of. What I was capable of, I could be better than any model out her tonight and I was going to show exactly how. Once I stepped out on to the run walk all I could see was a blur of people, camera men and of course that stupid light that nearly blinded me. I got myself together and began my walk strutting myself and holding my head up high for all to be mesmerised by. Everything seemed to be going so well, it was so silent I couldn’t hear a thing as I continued to walk. My presence must have really done something to the audience they were speechless. As I continued walking I suddenly heard something tearing, I could hear the piercing sounds of people “awing”. Some even had their hands to their mouths my feet automatically went from under me. The sudden pain ripped through my body like I was being sliced apart. The last thing I remember was getting back up with all the strength I had left and walking as fast as I could backstage to get an earful from Margo and Damien. “You stupid, stupid girl you had ruined the show Erick is going to be absolutely horrified, why did you not tie the straps on you heels.” All I could think was how selfish these people were they did not care about me or any of the models. All they cared about was that the show went well. I called for a taxi and got out of there as fast as I could I never felt such humiliation and pain and embarrassment in my whole life. The next morning my head was still hurting but I needed to get some air so I decided to go for a walk. On the way out all I was getting was strange stares from people every where I went. Where they there last night. They must have been how else could they have known. And then I saw it on the magazine stand. Headline “drunken model trips over a $3,000 dress”. I was in shock they were accusing me of being drunk because I tripped. How crazy was that. I also could not believe that I had worn a $3,000 dress. That was definitely a miss-print I thought. I hurried back to my apartment, how could I go out any more with people looking at me in disgust. My life was ruined. When I got into the apartment I found a letter on the floor. I opened it up only to find I was being sued for the dress at $3,000. And there I was thinking I had already been through the worst part. How wrong was I? if you were to grade it what would you give it
Best Answer

Best Answers: Read this short story and tell me what you think, only looking for honest answers regardless of good or bad?

Allard Allard | 3 days ago
i'm expecting you want C.C. so here it goes: idk what age you are so i can't grade you. If you still wished to be grade post your age please. Good intro but for para 1,2,3 they look choppy. And the climax is unclear b/c you barely built up the tension. I feel the protagonist realization of the worst part is bit weak. It's not strong enough. And the conclusion was bit short i thought you could have explored it bit more. What i suggest: Add foreshadowing in the first paragraph or so to build up the climax. if you want to tell the model's history it needs to have strong relevance or/and help the plot. or it looks out of place and awkward (esp if your story is this short). During the final moment more imagery is needed to convey what's going on better. Repetition like this is pointless: "I hurried back to my apartment... when i got into the apartment" i would rather write something like' "as i rushed back to my apartment i could almost feel people' gaze. New para: or sentence joining them. or looks choppy Upon my return, there i saw it. On the floor of my home. A thick white letter. It was a lawsuit filed against me for the $3000 dress." i know its fiction but it sounds bit unrealistic, if you want something to deviate from the truth, twist it alot (for eg. devil wears prada, though this does happen, but in most cases no) or let it somewhat be based on reality.
👍 114 | 👎 3
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Allard Originally Answered: Read this short story and tell me what you think, only looking for honest answers regardless of good or bad?
i'm expecting you want C.C. so here it goes: idk what age you are so i can't grade you. If you still wished to be grade post your age please. Good intro but for para 1,2,3 they look choppy. And the climax is unclear b/c you barely built up the tension. I feel the protagonist realization of the worst part is bit weak. It's not strong enough. And the conclusion was bit short i thought you could have explored it bit more. What i suggest: Add foreshadowing in the first paragraph or so to build up the climax. if you want to tell the model's history it needs to have strong relevance or/and help the plot. or it looks out of place and awkward (esp if your story is this short). During the final moment more imagery is needed to convey what's going on better. Repetition like this is pointless: "I hurried back to my apartment... when i got into the apartment" i would rather write something like' "as i rushed back to my apartment i could almost feel people' gaze. New para: or sentence joining them. or looks choppy Upon my return, there i saw it. On the floor of my home. A thick white letter. It was a lawsuit filed against me for the $3000 dress." i know its fiction but it sounds bit unrealistic, if you want something to deviate from the truth, twist it alot (for eg. devil wears prada, though this does happen, but in most cases no) or let it somewhat be based on reality.

Tarina Tarina
Out of 10 I would probably give it a 6. You definitely need to work on your grammar and spelling, but other that that you've done well. You have good detail with your words and you make the readers get a feel of the models emotions. Keep it up.
👍 40 | 👎 1

Ripley Ripley
The story is good. The story line is good, but you need to go back and look at your capitalization and punctuation. They are off in places. If this were a High School paper I would give you a B- If this were a college paper I would give you a C+ Check your punctuation and capitalization. Then you will be good to go.
👍 38 | 👎 -1

Missie Missie
that's a nice story although its sad. i like happy ending and this one does not have it i'll give it a 7 out of 10 only because it's a sad story
👍 36 | 👎 -3

Missie Originally Answered: Need a short story title and info(read details)?
"A New Life" A story about a guy getting ready to go out into the world of work (college, if you'd rather) and be on his own for the first time. He's excited and confident, but finds out in short order that things aren't always what or as easy as they seem. You can make it a mystery where someone steals his identity or cell phone, or credit card or whatever. Or you could make it an adventure where something exciting happens that propels him into a new career/course of study. It could be about college culture if you make it about college and dorm/class life or about the grind of going to work everyday and paying bills. This rubric I offered is easily personalized into your own ideas and story. I hope it gives you a start even if you don't do anything like this. It really isn't that hard to start a basic story if you use your creativity mixed with your experience. Good luck! I remember my senior year. No one wanted to do anything in school anymore. We all wanted out into whatever was next! Don't slack up too much though. (A mother's voice)

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