Originally Answered: Is this a good opening for my story?
I liked it, as far as it was written well. But, you killed off your character too quick. I get it's a prologue, but I kind of liked your character, and I was wondering, "Why did this guy lose his memory, and what's this blood in the sink, and what's this noise outside?" Then, the thing killed him, and I'm not sure what it was.
Um, your existential structure is probably your biggest weakness, that's a word which means your ability to narrate something in a logical time frame (It technically means your tense, but I take the word one step further), and I saw only one part where I can maybe give you an example: " The driver pulled into the driveway and opened the door, paid for his room and went inside." This sentence, he pulls into the driveway and opens the "door". Now, this is the stuff, and we all do it, where do you mean the car door, or do you mean the hotel? Because your character never exited the car, and this is what Existential structure is about, so that way we can know what your character is doing, and we can locate him in time and space. Here, he just kind of time warped into the hotel, and we're left wondering how he got there. Watch for this stuff.
"he saw... “something” roaming the halls, the remains of the office staff in its wake. He slowly closed the door, kneeled down and said the Hail Mary prayer. It heard him and began beating aginst the door, screeching in a language unintelligible to human minds. The door started to splinter, then was smashed open. the man was sliced to ribbons by the creature."
This right here is where you totally lost me. I mean, I had the expectation that I was about to read a story about a man who was framed for some crime, or something. This caught me off guard a little because it didn't make sense what was going on. I figured out it was a monster, but I thought, "Gunshots... this guy will be framed." Then this happened, and I'd dig it if I knew what the monster looked like, or if there was something suspenseful. Instead, and understand I don't do this often, I see a man do a "Hail Mary" and then get "cut to ribbons." I'm a little disappointed at this point because the character is dead, who I liked, I really thought this was the beginning of something great, but he died. Well, I mean, I get it's a prologue, but, like, the character I knew died, and I don't know what killed him, and I don't really know what's going on because There's now an "office" staff, I guess you mean the hotel greeters, and they're ripped apart.
I don't know, I think this has great potential, I really do, but my writing professor told me this, and I'll tell you because it improved my ability to write. Never kill off the protagonist! This is sloppy story telling, and this is the reason why. You have a great character, like a Jason Bourne, and amnesia is a great thing to play with because it gives the reader the ability to know everything the character knows. But, you killed him, so why even tell us anything about him?
You have the ability to make characters, and this is good. I understand the point of why you wrote it, but you can very easily lose readers by doing this. You killed him off too soon. I don't know enough about him, and I don't have an idea of the space, and what's going on. I know "Something?" killed him, but what? I mean, it's got to have some hook, and you have a great opportunity for a hook, but it's either the prologue is too short, or you shouldn't kill this character off so quick. Maybe he died, but at least don't let the reader know how. It's sometimes best to let them think about it, rather than "This character we really like is cut to ribbons." I mean, ok, something's not working.
But, like I said, you have a great ability to make characters. You really do, and I wouldn't harp on this unless you actually had something with potential. If this was bad, I'd not comment. So, it's not bad. It's good, it just needs a lot more development, a lot more attention to detail, and you need to understand the existential structure better, as I think my biggest criticism is the structural issue you have with your character in space and time. As, that's a hard barrier to break for any writer, but you've got the potential to break it.
If this is a prologue, don't be afraid to write it. This, probably, should be a bout four to six thousand words, and then maybe you'll have the effect you went for, which I know what that effect was. But I care just enough about the character to be mad that he's dead, and not enough to want to continue reading and find the SOG that got him. I also don't know what that thing is.
You are leaps and bounds better than most writers. Let me tell you that, so you don't get discouraged. I'm only going to give this kind of criticism to people who actually need it, as the problem here is objectively a structural problem of underwriting, ambiguous existential structure and plot. There should be, in your prologue, a sort of plot structure, at least a mini plot. I'd even go so far that it should be a short story, so we get invested in your story, and don't tell us how the character died. You can kill off as many side characters as you want, but you should never kill off the main character, unless you have a brilliant way of doing it. That's just how it is, and it's one of only a few rules I tell people to follow. And, at that point, this guy is the only character we know. Plain and simple, if he did die, let us know later, when we're invested in the new character.
Hopefully this helps.