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Help me with my Chapter One?

Help me with my Chapter One? Topic: The sisters book claire
June 16, 2019 / By Delight
Question: Chapter One: The Dream “No!” I screamed, and jolted forward. Sweat trickled down from my eye brows. I looked around my dimmed room, and saw my alarm clock. In thick red digital numbers, it read: 6:00AM. I groaned in the memory of school today. Suddenly my room door swung open, and the overly preppy voice of my older sister filled my quiet room. “Wake up Nikki!” she yelled, doing a spin. She ran to my curtains. “Don’t you dare.” I warned through clenched teeth. She made a face at me. As if it was a challenge. I crouched down in my bed, ready to pounce on her if she touched the curtains. I squinted my eyes in concentration. Claire tugged on the ocean blue curtains; a grim smile covered her face. With swift movement, the once dimmed curtains were pulled to the side to reveal the almost lit day. That instant, I was off of the bed, and almost at her. “Girls, stop fighting!” Mom yelled, coming into the room. I groaned in disappointment, as I sat back on my bed. “Now, girls, get ready and get out of this damn house.” She sternly said, leaving my room. “Bitchy much?” I whispered, getting off of my bed. Claire nodded in agreement. “Well, Ms. Moody, I’ll leave you alone.” She flipped her blonde hair and skipped out of my room, closing the door behind her. I shook my head in shame. My family is totally screwed up. I walked to my closet, trying to collect my thoughts. What was that dream about? I never had mermaid dreams before. Well, at least since I was five. I got out a pair of baggy jeans, and an ocean blue baby tee. I sighed as I put my clothes on, making sure they fit perfectly. The warm freshly cleaned clothes hugged my slim 13 year old body. I put on my converse, and walked to the bathroom. As far as I know, that dream could have meant anything. It was beyond my usual standers. I examined my face in the mirror, turning my straightener on. Well, I guess I need to hit up the ole mermaid books. I know its bizzar, but I can’t help it. It’s like; I’m attracted to the ocean. I straightened out my bed head, combing my dark auburn like hair. I guess you could call it more like a compulsion. Like no matter what I do, I can’t stay away from water. When I got finished straightening my hair, I applied my eyeliner and mascara. When I was finished, I put on some lip gloss and hurried out of the bathroom. I rushed down the stairs and grabbed my bag. I looked around the room quickly, being careful not to run into my ***** of a mother. I ran all the way to the front door, and I was out. I was free to tell my friends about my freaky dream, and hopefully free to forget all about it. I think it needs more detail, any ideas?
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Best Answers: Help me with my Chapter One?

Bryanne Bryanne | 4 days ago
It's unique but beware of it being close to 'The Thirteenth year' and Aquamarine', but a mermaid book hasn't been done in a while so its good to have a change from vamps and werewolves. You need MORE details and you need to slow down the story and not tie it up at the end. I want to be able to want to go to the next page/ chapter, not know that you will tell your friends and things might be over. You seem to know some details but some should be more apparent if this girl is going to be a mermaid (I assume that is what is going to happen, if I am wrong then correct me) Explain more about her room and maybe she is in mid dream when she is woken up. Also the whole thing about her needing her hair straight is too cliche and sounds like Ariel- I'd cut it. Also, does she live near the ocean? She should see it from her bedroom ad maybe that is what keeps her sane. The mother is bitchy, so what? What is it that is so bitchy, maybe the sister is like a little clone of her perfect mother (good use of converse shoes, it spells out rebel without having to say it), maybe she doesnt twirl (unless she's 7) but is brushing her perfect blonde strains like they are strings of gold that needs constant maintenance.' And with someone with those kind of dreams, would they tell their friends? or are they lacking friends? It would be interesting if she didnt have much friends because of some kind of falling out. Keep working on it. Hope this helps. p.s. fix your format with the dialogue and the indents, but that stuff is minor (As a write in college, its better to have a an excellent story with minor grammar than to have a perfectly contruscted book that is the worst story ever) good luck!
👍 276 | 👎 4
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Bryanne Originally Answered: Help me with my Chapter One?
It's unique but beware of it being close to 'The Thirteenth year' and Aquamarine', but a mermaid book hasn't been done in a while so its good to have a change from vamps and werewolves. You need MORE details and you need to slow down the story and not tie it up at the end. I want to be able to want to go to the next page/ chapter, not know that you will tell your friends and things might be over. You seem to know some details but some should be more apparent if this girl is going to be a mermaid (I assume that is what is going to happen, if I am wrong then correct me) Explain more about her room and maybe she is in mid dream when she is woken up. Also the whole thing about her needing her hair straight is too cliche and sounds like Ariel- I'd cut it. Also, does she live near the ocean? She should see it from her bedroom ad maybe that is what keeps her sane. The mother is bitchy, so what? What is it that is so bitchy, maybe the sister is like a little clone of her perfect mother (good use of converse shoes, it spells out rebel without having to say it), maybe she doesnt twirl (unless she's 7) but is brushing her perfect blonde strains like they are strings of gold that needs constant maintenance.' And with someone with those kind of dreams, would they tell their friends? or are they lacking friends? It would be interesting if she didnt have much friends because of some kind of falling out. Keep working on it. Hope this helps. p.s. fix your format with the dialogue and the indents, but that stuff is minor (As a write in college, its better to have a an excellent story with minor grammar than to have a perfectly contruscted book that is the worst story ever) good luck!
Bryanne Originally Answered: Help me with my Chapter One?
It needs more detail. That's not even a page, let alone a chapter. I think you should start it out with the dream instead of starting it when she wakes up. Also, (i'm really not trying to be mean at all) the beginning is boring. You have to draw them in with the first chapter. I, personally, will not continue reading a book if I don't like the first chapter. Good luck!

Alleen Alleen
It needs more detail. That's not even a page, let alone a chapter. I think you should start it out with the dream instead of starting it when she wakes up. Also, (i'm really not trying to be mean at all) the beginning is boring. You have to draw them in with the first chapter. I, personally, will not continue reading a book if I don't like the first chapter. Good luck!
👍 120 | 👎 -2

Utai Utai
Run a grammar check over that. It should be standards instead of standers. IT could use a little bit more descriptive writing here and there but it is overall pretty good.
👍 117 | 👎 -8

Utai Originally Answered: Freakonomics Chapter 1?
When there is an incentive to cheat, some do. In the case of schoolteachers—whose incentive to cheat derives from possible pay raises, or at least job security, if their students score well on standardized tests—Levitt uses 700,000 sets of test answers from Chicago public school students. Levitt searches for patterns in the answers to identify teachers who were changing their students' answers. The authors even include a few sample answer sheets and invite the reader to detect the cheating. Similarly, the book describes Levitt's clever strategy for examining the win-loss records of sumo wrestlers—an examination that points to especially important matches being "thrown," with the "winners" later reciprocating in less important matches, so that top wrestlers can maintain their status.

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